From now to Eternity

This might be a long blog. I have spent a lot of time thinking about god and what reality is truly. There is a lot of long, sleepless nights where I would wake up violently trying to comprehend that I would one day die. I would begin to feel the darkening fear set over me, and I would simply try to calm myself by telling myself that it would be a long time for now until I would die. It was an empty promise, but it would bring Morpheous back into my room, to lay the dust upon my eyes. It's this epic attempt to answer what happens when I die, because it's not only the unknown that scares me, but it's the fear that I will go on for eternity, either I know it or not. I would day dream about counting sand for eternity, I would wake from these lulls scared and confused. I would be disoriented, unable to differentiate the real from the surreal. I began to think about god, I thought about Christianity. Eternal salvation seems good on the outside of thought, but I began to think about Heaven. The idea of eternity still haunted me, I don't want to be in Heaven forever, the boredom that would set over me. I began to realize if Heaven was real, I would need to lose time perception to enjoy it. Being able to perceive time inherently makes us human. Therefor, I began to realize to like eternally I would need to be different than a human, and I'm not sure if I want that. I began to drift away from Christianity. Heaven seems more like a fool's dream than an Ultimate Reality.

See I don't care about the moralities that religions give. I understand that it's a society pushing morality upon me. I feel like I live I a moral life. I know what it means to be hurt by the immoral. It's a driven, internal concept that engrained in me the moment I realized about my bastard upbringing, and the pain my mother endured. Religion will not force my moral choices. I feel right and wrong, it is inherent. The point of religion is trying to understand the true reality. I took philosophy classes in high school and I thought logically about god, and creation. I would think about the big bang and potentiality of intelligent creation. Moot was reached. I came to the idea that creation is illogical. Human mind cannot fathom creation. For everything must come from something, but at a certain point in creation we cannot account for the formation of god, or what caused the big bang. It simply is formed from the nothing. The only thing that I could logically discern is that god is more of a potentially than the big bang. God is an illogical organism, therefor he can be created in an illogical way. I solidly became agnostic. I had friends that were atheists, it just didn't make sense to me.

The question haunted me though. God is called to be loving in monotheism, but what about vengeful or uncaring gods? The Ultimate Reality still eluded my logical perfection. In my philosophy class we began to study Taoism, and I found it appealing. My life was hectic and structured. I longed to be the water that flowed, it didn't dam itself, it just flowed. The philosophy was perfection. Just simply let go, and life will take you away. However, it's like socialism: perfect on paper. I found it hard to practice and ultimately embody. I gained an air of apathy though. Little things didn't matter to me. Life is too short to worry about the guy that cut you off in the freeway. That's the point there: life is too short. Taoism fit with that.

"Knowledge is power, guard it well" it's a phrase I live by. There hasn't been a day where I haven't strategically used my mind. It's as if I am honing my mind through this tedious mental gymnastics. I've run circles around my own arguments. Then it hit me, I am forming mental perfection. I began to not worry about what is going to be; I focus on what is. I developed Taoism into something tangible. Not worrying about things I cannot control and lived my life by my own mental perfection. The Ultimately Reality still would wake me up from night to night. 8 years after the night tremors started, they still continued. I took a religion class this year, mostly to argue with ignorant Christians, but there was one day I was hit with a TGV train. We learned about Buddhism in my philosophy classes. The Four Noble Truths. Desire causes suffering. It seemed like a sorcerer's religion; maybe if I studied it long enough I could pull a sword out of a stone and become king of all England. The destruction of desire seemed hokey, if not impossible. My religion teacher opened my eyes to enlightenment though. He told me that the original writing was translated wrong. It was not desire that caused all suffering, but more of the idea of grasping the fleeting. The concept that if we try to have we cannot grasp is what causes sorrow and suffering. If the human being does not covet what is impossible to have, we will reach calm and finally enter Nirvana. I began to realize this is what I had been thinking. Do not worry about the maybe, worry about the is, and understand it. Do not force yourself on the is, simply understand it. It is passive living, but it was mental perfection. It's what I believe in, but I never answered my original terror: What is the Ultimate Reality? I came to terms with me dying and there being no afterlife. I have come to terms with living for eternity. It is not my control, I simply must forge myself into perfection and what happens will happen regardless of what I do to stop it. It is fleeting, I cannot grasp it.

Fuck Me?! No, Fuck You, and the Couch your Rode in on!

Well here I am, lonely on a lovely friday night. I decided to stay in and play WoW instead of going out and having awkward and sometimes enjoyable times. I can hear the laughter of drunk people outside and I begin to wander back to an idea that has been haunting me for a couple of days now. It's the idea of societal morality and how society pushes certain moral codes and norms on people. Take for example what is happening right now, me hearing potentially underaged young adults who are breaking the law and drinking alcohol.

Stories are like assholes, everyone has one, and they are all about shit.

I've been wanting to do this for some time now. It started with the documentary idea. Which I still plan on doing, but I'm hoping me starting a blog will jump start my documentary ideas. So everything has to start somewhere, I guess my "creation" starts here. Here with intense insomnia. Not so much as insomnia, but more along the lines of me sleeping for about 24 hours in the past 2 days. I blame my bed mostly, it is too damn comfortable, but also just a lack to go to class today. Now I am caught up on sleep, and it's a good time to waste my life away. I tried sleeping but I had roving thoughts about whether or not to buy that hunter in WoW, or if I should stick with trying to get my shaman to go enhancement. That and I was once again horny, mostly with thoughts of Rosie Jones on my mind. Unfortunately, with my roommate trying to sleep, those thoughts would have to wait until tomorrow morning. I'm pretty sure he despises me. I'm up at all hours while he tries to sleep like a normal man. The great thing about Roberts was the fact he slept like a brick. Like I could literally throw a brick at him and he wouldn't wake up. Enough rambling; let's get to the shittiest, most wet part of why I started this blog. I need an outlet; I'm at a very odd time in my life. I am just spent an entire year in therapy talking to a woman mildly interested in my well being. However, at the end of the year she thought I wouldn't commit suicide and said I was good to go, and I have to agree. However, I'm still left with many questions, many thoughts that plague me, and this year I'm trying to answer them or at least come to terms with them. But before I talk about what is going on now, let's look at where I come from.

Let's start with high school; I generally spend my time chasing tail on hot girls that aren't interested with decent relationships, but more or less testing out their sexuality before they get to college, where there they will put it to work. I become depressant, and am worried about societal norms. Who doesn't want to fit in? In my attempt to conform, I more or less exile myself. I deal with trying to handle social osctracization through various means: rebelling against it, ignoring it, and trying to hide from it. None work. On top of that I flip flop between trying to be successful in school in an attempt to make my parents happy. It doesn't work. I just ignore their frustration at my failure and hope that I graduate and get out of there as soon as I can. Eventually, I find a happy medium where I am accepted, yet I still wish to be well liked. I graduate and am hopefully for starting a new life where people enjoy me and appreciate me.

I get to college, and still try to conform to societal norms. It works marginally. Too bad everyone in college is on drugs or batshit insane, so it doesn't matter what I do, someone is going to hate me. I find tender emotional value in a girl I truly like, unfortunately all that time I spent trying to form "genuine" relationships in high school should have been spent on experimenting with my sexuality; and now I don't know how to be sexual around a woman. This creeps the fuck out of the girl I like and we grow apart because she needs a good dickin'. I whine because I think emotions still matter in relationships. WRONG. Anyway, shit hits the fan, I become super depressed, my friend thinks I'm bi-polar, and hey now I'm in therapy. I next try to have sex with a high school crush, but I think sex comes from the heart and she is freaked out. The next day I try to murder my friend, and try to commit suicide in the same night. Now, I'm really depressed and I'm wondering why my life sucks and why I can't get along like everyone in society. Then I realize that all that repressed self-loathing bullshit that I had in high school followed me to college. Thanks peers and parents for making me feel more hated than Hitler's ejaculate.

Skip ahead half a year of therapy later, I feel better and realize that I need to stop whining about shit and nut up. I start dating a girl, and once again I have genuine feelings for this girl after a date or two. Then after two dates she tells me that she has a boyfriend, and by now I'm wondering if I just choose weird girls. The answer is yes. I don't go apeshit this time and just chill, we become friends and she gets dumped. I lulz, and eventually she gets feelings for me, and by that time I was like you need to grow up and stop bitching. I leave freshmen year feeling a little better, and ready to have a enjoyable summer.

I get a huge cyst removed from my ass and can't sit down for about a month, so that ruined that plan. I continue to bleed out my ass for about 3 months and don't do anything and about halfway through august I realize how much I didn't do that summer. I go back to college and amazed by every pair of tits I see because to tell you the truth, I haven't seen a young, attractive woman in about 3 months. I begin to nauseatingly think about sex for about 2 weeks. After that I pretty much have jerked myself to death and need to realize that I should calm down and shit will come to me. I also fall in love with about 5 girls. I'm not nearly as bad as Nick though. School blows and I begin to decline and not do homework after about a week. I party more often and am even getting a little bit of confidence. After about 3 weeks in, I realize that all my friends are complete ignorant assholes, and I start playing WoW again. A day after that breakthrough, I realize I am a completely ignorant asshole, I say fuck it and play WoW. After a while I wonder if my complete anger and apathetic attitude is ruining my life. Now I am here.

I am not as malicious as I first began thinking about this shit. I am more apathetic, just realizing that this is the shit period of life. My anger toward people has subsided, but one looming question remains; how the fuck did I go from neurotic and naive to becoming apathetic and lifeless? I'm kind of stuck in a lull. I just stated that I realize I am in the "shit period" of life, yet most people say college is probably the best days of one's life. Let's come full circle here. Browsing pictures of Rosie Jones at 5 in the morning I come across a tidbit of information stating that she was born in September 1988. That is approximately one graduating year above me. To state it simply, if I were more attractive that would easily put me in the age to bang this beautiful young woman, who will mostly likely in 10 years be a wrinkled piece of shit due to her now unknown (though in the future known) drug addictions. This puts me into deeper thought; there are girls easily on my level of attractiveness. Now why the fuck aren't I banging them? Sorry if this all seems sexual, but it's more of the idea that I am choosing to make my life shitty. Yet I am okay with it; well slightly. If I was okay with it I wouldn't be blogging about my mental issues. Yet I objectively make a choice to dress in flannel, to not brush my teeth, and to shower irregularly. Full circle again; here I am have no self esteem, kind of like I had in high school. It's self-fulfilling prophecy. Me feeling shitty about myself, so I make myself shitty to society. Mostly because at this point I have neglected it, because I find societal constraints to be stupid and having no point. In conclusion, here I am thinking that college is the "shit times" of my life, yet I am fully aware it is not. Yet I make it be. That's all I have for now considering I have been writing for about an hour. I'll discuss this later and more things that come up. If you've read this far, you're fucking retarded.